Life of a Pirate

A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said,

“Hey, I haven’t seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.”

“What do you mean?” said the pirate, “I feel fine.”

“What about the wooden leg? You didn’t have that before.”

“Well,” said the pirate, “We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I’m fine now.”

The bartender replied,

“Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?”

The pirate explained,

“We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I’m fine, really..”

“What about that eye patch?”

“Oh,” said the pirate, “One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them shit in my eye.”

“You’re kidding,” said the bartender. “You couldn’t lose an eye just from bird shit.”

“It was my first day with the hook.”

Boys in Need of Tampons

Two very young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter. The clerk at the counter asked the older boy,

“Son, how old are you?”

“Eight,” the boy replied.

The man continued,

“Do you know what these are used for?”

The boy replied,

“They aren’t for me. They’re for him. He’s my brother. He’s four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can’t do either.”

The Excuse that Worked

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.

“There’s no way they can catch a Mercedes,”

he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100…. Then the reality of the situation hit him.

“What am I doing?”

he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.

“It’s been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it’s Friday the 13th. I don’t feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven’t heard before, you can go.”

The guy thinks for a second and says,

“Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!”

“Have a nice weekend,” said the officer.

Only the English Could Have Invented This Language

We’ll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes,
But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice,
Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.

If the plural of man is always called men,
Then shouldn’t the plural of pan be called pen?
If I speak of my foot and show you my feet,
And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
Why shouldn’t the plural of booth be called beeth?

Then one may be that, and three would be those,
Yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
And the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
But though we say mother, we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
But imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim!

Puns

    1. Energizer Bunny Arrested & Charged with Battery

2. Pessimist’s blood type is always b-negative

3. Practice safe eating — always use condiments.

4. Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

5. Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

6. Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.

7.  Hangover is the wrath of grapes.

8. Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

9. Is a  book on voyeurism a peeping tome?

10. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

11. A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

12. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

13. A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.

14. Without geometry, life is pointless.

15. A man’s home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

16. When two egotists meet, it’s an I for an I.

17. A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.

18. What’s the definition of a will? (Come on, it’s a dead giveaway!)

19. A backwards poet writes inverse.

20. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

21. If you don’t pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

22. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

23. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

24. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

25. A grenade in a French kitchen results in Linoleum Blownapart.

26. A lot of money is tainted. T’aint yours, and t’aint  mine.

27. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

28. He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

29. A short fortune-teller escaped from prison is a small medium-at-large.

30. Once you’ve seen one shopping center, you’ve seen a mall.

31. People who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

32. An actress who saw her first strands of grey hair thought she’d dye.

33. Acupuncture is a jab well done.

34. Frog slogan: Time’s fun when you’re having flies.

Request for a Raise

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

  • I do physical labor.
  • I work at great depths.
  • I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
  • I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
  • I work in a damp environment.
  • I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
  • I work in high temperatures.
  • My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Sincerely,

P. Niss

Response:

Dear Penis:

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

  • You do not work 8 hours straight.
  • You fall asleep after brief work periods.
  • You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
  • You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
  • You do not take initiative – you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
  • You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
  • You don’t always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
  • You will retire well before you are 65.
  • You are unable to work double shifts.
  • You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.
  • And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

Sincerely,

V. Gina